


DC vs MCU

by canthelpmyselves



Series: DC vs Marvel [1]
Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV), DCU, Doctor Strange (2016), Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: AIs are people too!, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Barry Allen Is A Human Vibrator, Cloak of Levitation (Marvel), De-Aged, Dinosaurs, Groot is Adorable!, I Can't Believe I Wrote This, I'm Trash For IronFLash Apparently, Implied/Referenced Sex, Multi, Rocket Has A Plan, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, The Waverider now has two AIs, What Have I Done, gladiator fights, human disaster barry, more tags to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-17
Updated: 2019-04-14
Packaged: 2019-08-03 07:58:56
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 26
Words: 13,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16322291
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/canthelpmyselves/pseuds/canthelpmyselves
Summary: This is what happens when I'm given a thermos of coffee, asked 'ever wonder what would happen if team Flash met the Avengers?' and am then left alone for an entire day.





	1. Hooking Up

**Author's Note:**

> I am very, very sorry.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So, this started out as a one shot, but the idea would not go away and before I knew it, several other stories had hijacked my head. None of these are related, but I have no idea how to create a series, so I'm just lumping them together as a multi-chapter.

Tony dropped down onto a kitchen chair and stole the coffee cup in front of Bruce, draining it in one long gulp. He blinked wearily a few times before focusing on the group gathered around the table. Natasha was sporting a satisfied grin. Thor had a wild case of bed-head and what looked teeth marks on his collar bone. Clint was covered in hickies and scanning websites on the occult. Bruce looked thoroughly exhausted and thoroughly fucked. He had what looked like frost in his curls. Steve had the sappiest look on his face Tony had ever seen. 

“So, everyone have a good night?” Tony grinned wickedly.

Thor beamed at Tony brightly. “It was a most enjoyable evening.”

Steve blushed and nodded. “It was, um, very interesting, meeting other heroes,” he admitted. “You know, exchanging ideas, discussing strategy.” His blush deepened and he rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “New perspectives...”

Clint traced a finger over one of the larger marks on his neck. “Can’t complain,” he grinned. 

Natasha just smirked and sipped her coffee.

Tony frowned as he looked closer at her drink. “What is that?” he asked.

“Coffee with grass fed butter and MTC oil,” she answered smoothly. “It’s actually quite tasty.”

Bruce blinked a couple of times then yawned. “I, uh, need a new bed,” he offered hesitantly. 

Tony grinned and wiggled his eyebrows. “Did you hulk out and break yours?”

Bruce’s neck and cheeks turned bright red. “No. It’s sort of… encased in ice.” Everyone looked at him questioningly making the awkward scientist bend his head shyly. “Um, so it seems the Other Guy doesn’t come out for temperature play,” he mumbled.

“Please,” Steve hurried to interrupt. “No details!”

Tony snorted and stood to refill the cup in his hand. “Well, mine vibrated when he got excited,” he offered. "All. Night. Long." Hearing Clint choke on his coffee was well worth it.

===A===

Sara looked over at her crew as she stepped onto the bridge. Truthfully, she expected them to be gathered here, if only to tease her about sending them off the ship so she could have a date night with Ava. She stopped halfway to the captain’s chair and took a closer look.

Ray’s expression was downright sappy. Zari looked strangely relaxed. Constantine was covered in hickies. Mick was reading, looking a bit less maniacal than normal. Leonard was polishing his gun, satisfaction in his eyes. Barry, not really a crew member but along for their next mission, was draped bonelessly across the steps leading up to Rip’s old office, his head on Leonard’s lap. That, in and of itself, was surprising, since the thief rarely ever allowed casual touches.

“So, you all look like you are in good moods,” she teased.

Ray blushed and Constantine sent her a wink before lighting up a cigarette. “Not a bad bit of shore leave,” the Brit said smugly. “The heroes in this timeline were _very_ accommodating.”

Mick snored as he flipped a page in his book. 

Sara tilted her head to read the spine. “Norse mythology?”

Zari smirked at the pyromaniac. “Mick’s got a new-found interest.”

Len turned his torso and raised an eyebrow at her. “Who was it asking Gideon about WWII?”

Zari’s answering grin was downright wicked. So was the wink she sent the thief.

Barry wiggled and shoved his head into Len’s stomach more. “Quit moving,” he pouted. “I’m exhausted.”

“Didn’t get enough sleep. Kid?” Mick teased.

Barry surprised Sara by flipping Mick off. “You spend the night vibrating and see how much energy you have the next day.”

Sara choked on air. “Vibrating?” Barry turned as red as his suit, his eyes growing impossibly wide. His mouth opened and closed a couple of times like a fish gasping for air. Sara crossed her arms and gave him her sternest look. She wasn’t actually mad, just nosy and she figured Barry would be the easiest to intimidate into ratting everyone out. “Barry Allen, what exactly were you doing last night?”

Barry twitched but Len placed his hand over Barry’s mouth to keep him quiet. He stared at Sara calmly. “Do you really want details?” Len asked.

Sara gave it exactly three seconds of thought. “No.” She resumed her trek across the bridge. “Gideon, take us back into the timestream.”

“Right away, Captain Lance,” the AI said.

“Please take your seats, everyone,” a cultured male voice ordered.

Sara looked up at the ceiling with confusion. “Who is that?” she demanded.

“Oh, that’s Jarvis,” Barry said, climbing to his feet and holding a hand out to help Zari up. “He integrated with Gideon.”

Len strutted by Sara and patted her shoulder. “Details,” he grinned.

Sara pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled heavily. It’s gonna be a very long time before she grants shore leave again.


	2. New Friends

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Team Legends meets the Avengers. Some are more pleased with the result than others.

Barry wasn’t sure whether to be impressed, alarmed, freaked out or scared. It’s not like he’s unaccustomed to weirdness. It’s not like his life isn’t already some sort of screwed up cartoon-y b-movie. Let’s face it, this isn’t even the strangest thing he’s ever had to deal with (telepathic gorillas ring a bell, anyone?). 

“Um, hello.”

The large green man in front of him roared loudly, his hot breath ruffling Barry’s hair. 

“Okay,” Barry said with a heavy sigh, “look, nothing personal, but you really need a breath mint.”

A humongous fist flew toward him and Barry quickly flashed to the side. The Hulk grunted and kicked out one massive foot, forcing Barry to flash aside again.

“Pal, I can do this all day,” he laughed. 

The Hulk paused and stared at him warily. “Pal?”

Barry grinned and pushed back his cowl. “Sure. I mean, you’re a hero. I’m a hero. We’re both good guys, right? We could totally be friends if you stop trying to smash me.”

Hulk blinked a couple of times. “No fight Hulk?”

Barry shook his head. “Of course not. I’m a fan, to be honest. I love the Avengers. Thor is awesome. Iron Man is my second favorite. MCU Hawkeye is cool.” Barry could feel his cheeks heat up slightly. “He’s very handsome in those movies. Wow, those arms! But you? Man, I love you and Banner! The whole smart guy/angry guy thing is hot. Plus, nothing sexier than someone with tons of self-control. My guy is the same. He’s a planner, you know? Times things down to the last second. Never lets himself get emotional if he can help it. Took a long, long time to get him to open up. There were days when I thought he’d never let me past his walls. But so worth it, now! Seriously, he’s got this whole zen thing going on and it really cranks my motor. But when he does get angry? Pfft. He might as well turn into a 9 foot green guy. There was this one speedster, like me, only evil, and he broke my back. Let me tell you, my Len did _not_ let that one go.” 

Hulk plopped down on the ground and stared at Barry with a mix of curiosity and confusion. “Sparky talk too much.”

Barry dropped down cross-legged in front of him. “Sparky? Oh! Because of my lightning? Yeah, nothing to worry about. I wouldn’t zap you, big guy. Not on purpose, anyway. So, hey, what are you doing here, anyway? There’s like nothing but trees and hills for miles. I know because I ran around trying to figure out where I am. I saw a town over that way, and was going to head to it, but then I ran into you. Do you know where we are? I was actually on a mission when I hit a portal. I was going to fast too avoid it and now I’m here.”

Hulk huffed and covered Barry’s mouth with his forefinger. “Talk too much,” he growled.

Barry grimaced. “Sowwy,” he mumbled against the finger.

A loud roar filled the air and the Hulk jumped to his feet. “Abomination,” he growled.

Barry jumped up and pulled his cowl back into place just as a large tree came sailing through the air. “Whoa,” he whispered.

* * A * *

“When I find him, I’m icing his feet to the floor,” Len growled under his breath. 

Beside him, Mick snorted. “Like that’s ever worked before.”

“Would you two shut up and keep your heads in the game?” Sara hissed, crouching down further as a blast of energy went over the concrete wall.

Len shot her a glare before firing off a shot at the large blonde trying to sneak up on their left. The guy went sailing through a window, ice coating the large shield he was carrying. 

An arrow struck the ground at Mick’s feet, drawing their attention. Len quickly grabbed Mick’s arm and pulled him over the wall just before the arrowhead exploded. Smoke and dust left them without much visibility, but they were too experienced not to expect the incoming attack. Sara dodged a punch from the redhead just as the blonde (minus his shield) tackled Mick. A whirring sound had Len spinning around and raising his coldgun just as the metal suit dropped to the street and raised his hands, palm out.

“Ready to give up?” the metal suit asked.

Len snorted. “Nice costume. An A for realism but a complete fail for originality.”

“Oh, I’m definitely an original,” the suit quipped. “What kind of gun is that? Hammertech?”

“Ramontech, actually,” Len corrected with a drawl. “With a few cool upgrades of my own.”

“Snart! Quit playing!” Sara snapped, dodging another punch and sending a vicious kick to the redhead’s midsection. The other woman hit the ground, gasping for breath as the archer dropped down out of nowhere and jabbed some sort of taser into Sara’s side, sending her sprawling. 

Len fired and dove to the side to avoid a return shot. He landed on his back just as he brought his gun around to shoot the blonde guy again. Before he could even aim at the woman an kick struck the barrel and sent his gun skidding across the road.

“STOP!”

Len turned his head just in time to see thin white ropes wrap around the archer who had hit his gun. He pushed up onto his elbows but before he could get to his feet more of the white rope was covering his entire lower body. Within seconds everyone was secured the same way.

“Kid, what the hell?!” the suit demanded, struggling against the ice covering his legs and the rope around his torso.

Len’s jaw dropped as another iconic comic book hero dropped down onto the road. “What the fuck?!”

“Hey,” Spiderman said with a little wave. “Um, Captain Cold, right?”

“Always nice to meet a fan,” Len snarked.

“Captain who?” the blonde asked from his place on the road beside Mick who was trying to wiggle his hand into his pocket, probably to get to his other gun.

Spiderman rubbed the back of his head in a manner similar to Barry. “Um, Captain Cold. You know, from The Flash?”

“Underroos, what the hell are you talking about?” the suit growled.

The sound of sirens reached Len’s ears and he tensed up. He and his team needed to leave. Now. Spiderman suddenly crouched down beside him. 

“Look, you gotta trust me,” he said quickly. “Temporary truce?”

Len glared at him for a couple of seconds. “Look, kid...”

“Barry said to tell you he’s peachy.”

Len relaxed as the tension and worry drained from him. He gave a quick nod and the kid began removing what he now recognized as webbing. 

* * A * *

“So you from a different universe?” Steve asked as he offered Sara a bottle of water. “Are you heroes?”

“We’re Legends,” Mick grumbled, arms crossed over his chest.

“Well that doesn’t sound narcissistic at all,” Tony said sarcastically.

“Says the man with his name on a tower,” Len drawled. 

Tony narrowed his eyes but shut up when Natasha elbowed him. She took a seat across from Len and studied him carefully. “Your friend got a message to Stark’s CEO that he is with our teammate. They’re in Kentucky, apparently.” She paused and looked at Tony. “There was an altercation with Blonsky.”

Tony tensed and walked quickly toward the cockpit of the quinjet. Clint gave Steve a worried look before he followed Tony. 

“Blonsky?” Sara asked.

Natasha continued to stare at Len who raised an eyebrow at her. “An enemy,” she answered. “I did a bit of digging. In our world, you are fictional characters. Enemies of a comic book hero named the Flash.”

“Actually, he’s the Flash’s long-time nemesis,” Peter said eagerly. “The coolest one, too.”

Len smirked while Sara and Mick both rolled their eyes. “Thanks, kid.”

Peter beamed at him. “It’s true. In the comics he doesn’t even have powers. He just has his coldgun. But he’s super smart and cunning and the Flash can never keep him in prison for long.”

“Don’t inflate his ego any more,” Sara said tiredly. 

“The point is,” Natasha said, “not exactly hero material.”

“Never claimed to be,” Len shrugged. 

“So, what happened?” Steve asked. “How did you end up as real people?”

Mick gave the super soldier a fiery glare. “We’re from a different reality, Teeth. We’ve always been real!”

“Teeth?” Peter repeated.

Len snorted. “Mick loves nicknames. Usually it is related to the person’s appearance.”

Clint came back to the group and sat down. “Okay, so we’re almost there. Buckle up for descent.”

As soon as the jet touched down Len, Mick, Sara and Peter were out of their seats and heading to the ramp. Tony, Clint, Steve and Natasha hurried to follow. Tony almost crashed into Len who stopped short and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Of fucking course,” the thief grumbled. He let out a weary sigh before stomping down the ramp. “SCARLET!”

The Avengers gawked as they watched the Hulk clap his hands, a booming laugh filling the air. In front of the big green guy was a skinny kid in tight red leather, juggling what looked like lightning bolts. A ring of wildflowers circled the Hulk’s head and there were scorch marks scattered around the field. The kid quickly tossed the lightning over his head where they caused small explosions in the grass. A second later the kid was wrapped tight around Len.

“I found you!”

Len snorted and pushed the kid back a couple of inches. “You found us?”

A blush crept up the guy’s cheeks and he chewed his bottom lip briefly. “Um, you found me?” he asked hesitantly. A second later he was back to smiling excitedly. “Oh, but I did find the Hulk! How freaking awesome is that?! The Avengers, Len! This world has the Avengers and the Hulk is so cool! We fought Abomination together and he let me ride on his shoulder and he didn’t even mind when I accidentally zapped him! And guess what! I can move him into the speedforce, too! He’s HUGE and I had no trouble at all! It was so cool because Abomination couldn’t get a single hit in!”

“Slow down, Doll,” Mick snorted. “Breath.”

“Oh my god! I’m meeting the Flash!” Peter yelped, shoving forward and holding out a hand.

Barry’s jaw dropped and his eyes got huge. “Holy crap! Spiderman!”

“Nerds,” Sara snickered.

The ground shook as the Hulk stomped over. He looked at each person carefully before leaning down and sniffing Sara, Mick and Len. “Sparky’s,” he declared loudly, poking Len’s shoulder.

Len gave a slow blink while Mick’s hand inched toward his gun. “Excuse me?”

The Hulk crouched and stared at Len. “Belong to Sparky.”

Sara snickered again. “Never pictured you as the bottom in the relationship, Leonard.”

Len sent her a confident smirk. “He vibrates.”

Tony and Clint both choked, eyes wide as they looked Barry over with a lot more interest. Len immediately shot them glares before wrapping an arm around Barry’s waist possessively. Clint grinned and held up his hands in surrender while Tony just smirked widely and licked his lips.

“Whatthehell?!” Mick growled.

Len turned and watched the big green guy slowly shrink and turn pink. In seconds there was a small, disheveled, naked brunette in his place. Tony stepped around Len and Barry and handed the new guy some clothes which he quickly pulled on.

“Hi, Dr. Banner!” Peter greeted cheerfully. 

“So. Freaking. AWESOME!” Barry exclaimed.

“Your powers are pretty impressive, as well,” Dr. Banner returned tiredly. He turned to Natasha with a sigh. “Blonksy is fifty yards north. He’s still alive. Maybe.”

“I zapped him a couple dozen times,” Barry whispered to Len. “Then Hulk knocked him around with a tree.” Natasha nodded then she and Clint re-boarded the jet to go pick him up. 

Sara turned to Barry and huffed. “We need to get back before we screw up the timeline here any more than we already have.”

Barry sheepishly nodded. He stepped away from Len and held out a hand to Bruce. “It was really great meeting you and Hulk.”

Bruce laughed lightly. “Thanks, I guess. Did Clint live up to your expectations?”

Barry blushed and glanced quickly at Len before smiling widely. “Just like in the movies,” he said with a wink. Before anyone could ask any questions, Barry took off, a trail of lightning racing off.

“Whoa,” Steve mumbled, eyes wide. 

“What was that about expectations?” Len asked coldly.

Bruce chuckled and shrugged one shoulder. “He seems to have a thing for archers.” 

Peter giggled, catching the subtle nod to Green Arrow.

A second later there was a streak of lightning zipping past and a portal suddenly shimmered to life a few feet away.

“That’s our cue,” Sara said, striding forward without any hesitation. Mick gave the remaining Avengers a nod before following. Len narrowed his eyes at Bruce, his mouth opening to say something. Before he could speak Barry zipped by, and carried him through the portal which closed with a small crackle of energy.

“That was very strange,” Steve mumbled, turning to look for the jet in the air.

Tony lifted one eyebrow at Bruce who smirked. “Did you just troll the guy?”

Bruce’s smirk turned more devious. “You have frost on your suit. Serves him right.”

* * *

Len narrowed his eyes as Barry straddled his lap, but didn’t look up from his book.

“Come on, Len!” Barry whined. “You know I only want you!”

“I’m not blonde nor do I own a bow and arrow,” Len grumbled.

Barry snatched the book out of his boyfriend’s hands, shoved a bookmark into it (he had learned the hard way not to lose Len’s place) and set it aside before wrapping his arms around Len’s neck. 

“I know archers,” he pointed out. “I know blondes. Never been tempted to sleep with any of them.”

Len pointedly looked away even though his hands automatically went to Barry’s hips. “Oh?” he drawled with faux casualness. 

Barry leaned in and nuzzled his neck. “I prefer older men. Smart men. Cunning men. Men with ice in their veins.”

Len’s lips quivered before slowly pulling up into a smirk. “Hmm. Anyone in particular?”

“Well,” Barry grinned against Len’s pulse, “there is this one guy. Kind of snarky, distinguished good looks, terrible sense of humor but very charming. Maybe you’ve heard of him? Pretends to be a supervillain, but he’s actually my hero.”

“Stop,” Len chuckled. “You’ll blow my cover.”

Barry drew back and grinned. “I’d rather blow your mind.”

Len shifted to lay down across the couch and pulled Barry down with him. “Speaking of blowing...”


	3. Et Tu Barry?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moral of the story, never trust Lisa and Barry with phones.

Len gave Mick and Lisa his fiercest glare, but all that did was make them laugh harder. With a loud huff he crossed his arms over his chest and tried to relax. The huge finger rubbing the top of his head was a lot more soothing than he was willing to admit. “If you’re not going to help, you can leave,” he growled.

Mick wiped at the tears streaming down his face and tried to pull himself together. Lisa cackled louder and pulled her phone from her pocket. Len made a mental note to swipe it later so he could destroy it. He counted eight clicks of the camera, each one making him more and more annoyed. Then she began tapping on the screen and alarms went off in his head. 

“Lisa!” he hissed in warning. There was a low rumbled over his head and suddenly he was being cradled like a child to a massive green chest.

“Don’t worry, Lenny,” his sister said smugly. “I’m sending out a distress call.” 

There were four more camera clicks, dammit! Len immediately knew exactly who she was texting, too. “Don’t you dare!” he ordered.

“Hulk smash puny woman?”

Quickly Len grabbed at the hand around his hip. “No! No smashing!”

“Want me to light him up?” Mick asked, on alert now that Lisa had been possibly threatened.

Len groaned and shook his head. “No smashing my sister,” he ordered the big green behemoth. “No attacking the giant green mountain,” he shot at Mick. A streak of lightning raced into the room and Len was torn between mortification and relief. Len narrowed his eyes as Scarlet stared at him for several seconds, without blinking. “No laughing!” he hissed to the speedster.

“Ummm...”

Len pinched the bridge of his nose and took several deep breaths. “Look, just help me get him back to the portal he fell out of. Then I have a phone to destroy and a bottle of whiskey to drink in the hopes of forgetting this night ever happened. Okay?”

Barry nodded before pulling his own phone out and snapping a picture. Len’s jaw dropped in disbelief. “Et tu Barry?” he snapped.

Barry grinned widely and hid his phone inside his suit. “So, where’s the portal?”


	4. Champions

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Guardians of the Galaxy battle The Rogues.

“I feel like we should be doing something,” Peter, aka Star-Lord, murmured.

Gamora watched, arms crossed over her chest, as Rocket went sailing backwards and landed hard on a patch of ice. “Besides judging them?”

Peter stared at the fighters before sighing. “Our friends aren’t doing so well.”

“Drax is holding his own,” Nebula pointed out, her tone bored.

“He’s fighting a telepathic gorilla,” Gamora shrugged. “They’re the same size and every time the gorilla tries to get in his head, it ends up with a headache.”

“Groot’s not doing too badly,” Peter admitted.

“He’s cuddling and cooing over a woman who controls plants,” Nebula argued. “I’m fairly certain he’s changed alliances.”

“Rocket just got zapped by lightning. He’s down for the count,” Yondu grumbled. “Who thought it was a good idea to send the furball in against a man who controls weather?”

The four of them sighed in unison as they stood up and made their way down to the floor of the arena. They reluctantly shook hands with the leader of the Rogues. Standing beside him was a slender brunette guy in tight red leather, counting their winnings.

“Good match,” Peter begrudgingly said. “Will you be coming back next week?”

The leader smirked, his eyes hidden by blue tinted goggles. “Maybe. This is a cool setup.” Leather boy groaned under his breath, still counting their units.

“Well, if you do, we’ll be ready,” Peter promised with a grin. 

The arena gate opened and the Rogue’s teammates walked out. The gorilla dropped Rocket at Nebula’s feet. Gamora had to pry Groot’s fingers from the plant woman’s ankle. Drax walked out on his own accord but his eyes were glazed over. He was singing something about being over a rainbow.

The leader lifted one eyebrow and shrugged. “It wears off,” he told them.

Peter and the other Guardians watched the Rogues walk out of the arena. “Remind me to never visit their planet,” Rocket groaned, grimacing at the smell of his wet, singed fur.

The rest of them nodded in agreement. That planet had to be severely screwed up if those were it’s champions.


	5. I Am Groot.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Groot makes a new friend.

“Scarlet, I don’t think we’re in Kansas, anymore.”

“As long as there’s no flying monkeys, I don’t care where we are,” Barry said, voice weak with exhaustion. 

“I am Groot.”

“Yeah? Well, that tree just spoke.”

“Is that a joke?” Barry mumbled, rolling over to lie on his back, uncaring of the muddy ground beneath him. Escaping the occulus explosion before it could kill Len had taken all his energy.

“A tree. Just spoke,” Len repeated, sounding alarmed, which was out of character for the normally tightly controlled man. 

It was worrisome enough to make Barry push himself up to a sitting position. Barry blinked a couple of times at the one foot tall tree that was currently staring at them with small round eyes. “Uhh...”

The tree crossed two branch-like arms and kicked Len’s boot. “I am Groot!” it hissed.

Len lifted one eyebrow and pulled his gun from it’s holster. “Do that again and I’ll freeze your roots.”

The tiny tree narrowed it’s eyes and bared it’s teeth. It drew back one leg but Barry quickly grabbed it and held it to his chest. “OHMYGOD! HE’S ADORABLE!!!”

The tree’s arms flailed in the air wildly before quickly expanding and slapping at Barry’s arms in an effort to get free. “I AM _GROOT_! I _AM_ GROOT!”

Len rubbed two fingers against his right temple as he tried to decide whether to walk away and leave Barry and the plant(?) to their own devices.

“Should I water him?” Barry asked, looking up at Len, ignoring the vines now wrapping around his wrists. “I wonder what he eats. He’s so tiny! Maybe he needs Miracle Grow?”

Yep, he should definitely leave, no pun intended. (Who was he kidding? Puns were his jam.) He was about to turn and go find a car to get them back to civilization when Barry snapped his fingers. Turning back, in case of danger, Len watched as Barry phased a hand free, reached into his pocket and pulled out a smushed energy bar. He quickly broke it in half, scarfing a portion. Then he tore off a tiny corner of the other half and shoved it into Groot’s mouth. Len’s jaw dropped as the creature’s eyes lit up and it chewed the offering enthusiastically. 

“I am Groot!” it giggled as a small white flower unfurled near it’s neck.

Len knew the look on Scarlet’s face. It was the look Mick gave his heat gun the first time he saw it. It was the look Lisa gave him when he snatched her from her bed twenty-five years ago and swore Lewis would never hurt her again. It was the look of adoration and love. 

Barry stood as the thing climbed onto his shoulder and made grabby hands for the rest of the food. “I’m going to get you a nice big terra cotta planter for a bed,” he said happily, walking past Len toward the highway in the distance. “And some peat moss so it’s soft and comfy for my little Grootie-pie,” Barry said in the same way crazy people talked to their little yapping dogs or drooling babies. “I can move the bed to the middle of the room and place it under the window so you get the best light. Len hates it when the sun wakes him up, anyway, so he won’t mind.”

Len groaned and trailed after them resignedly. Sometimes his boyfriend was incomprehensible to him.


	6. I'm Keeping Him

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony finds a lost speedster.

“Who’s that?” Steve asked, staring warily at the unconscious brunette draped across Tony's couch.

“I found him.”

“Found him? What do you mean you found him?”

“I was testing out my new suit and saw him passed out under a tree.”

“Um, okay. Why is he here?”

“If no one claims him in 30 days, I get to keep him.”

Steve rolled his eyes at the joke. “Seriously, Tony, this guy is a stranger and you brought him to the tower? How do you know he isn’t an enemy?”

“Look at that baby face. He’s way too innocent to be evil. Aww! He’s snoring! He’s adorable! I’ve changed my mind. Screw the thirty day rule! He’s mine, now.”

“I hope you’re joking,” Steve said in his most disapproving tone.

“Hush. You’re drowning out the cute snoring. Hmm. I wonder what I should call him?”

“Where’s Col. Rhodes? Maybe he can talk some sense into you.”

===A===

“He’s mine.”

Rhodey rolled his eyes at his long-time friend. “He’s not a stray you pick up off the street.”

“I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what I did," Tony pointed out.

“Tony, just because you stumbled across him in the park doesn’t mean you can kidnap him.”

“That’s word-for-word what you said about Sheba and you were wrong.” 

“Sheba is a cat,” Rhodey argued. “There’s a difference.”

“They’re both soft and fluffy,” Tony said, nuzzling the soft brown hair affectionately.

“Now you’re just being deliberately obtuse.”

“And you’re interrupting my cuddle time. Which one of us is the bad guy, now?”

“I’m calling Pepper.”

“Traitor.”

===A=== 

“I’m keeping him.”

Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled slowly. “Tony, you can’t just claim a person. He’s not a toy.”

“He vibrates. I’m keeping him.”

Pepper blinked at him for several seconds. “Vibrates?”

Tony nodded smugly. “Vibrates.”

Pepper looked more closely at the cute brunette shyly smiling from his position on Tony’s lap. “You vibrate?”

The guy rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Um, yeah. It’s part of my powers. I’m a speedster and when I get excites my body starts to vibrate.”

“All of you?”

“Every inch of me.”

Pepper blinked a few more times. “What’s your name?”

“Barry. Barry Allen.”

A couple more blinks and Pepper looked at Tony. “Before I agree to this I’m going to have to see this vibrating thing in action. For security purposes.”

Barry’s smile grew brighter while Tony’s grew more wicked. “Deal.”


	7. Of Bows and Arrows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ollie vs. Clint.

Oliver clenched his teeth and pasted a fake smile on his lips as he listened to everyone moon over the new guy. Personally he didn’t see the big deal. 

Okay, so the guy was an archer. So was he. 

The guy was blonde. So was he.

The guy was handsome. Oliver is the world’s second most eligible bachelor (right behind Bruce Wayne), thank you very much.

They had almost identical skills, identical looks and identical beliefs. It seemed to come down to their few differences.

Government agent vs Billionaire.

5’9” vs 6’1”.

47 years old vs 37 years old.

Alright, so the guy was a bit more relaxed than Oliver is. He cracked jokes and flirted with everyone (no matter their gender or relationship status), and told amusing stories. Surely that wasn’t enough to make all his friends and family prefer Hawkeye over Arrow! Right?

“He seems nice.”

Oliver fought the urge to pout. “I guess,” he answered, keeping his eyes down, restringing his bow.

“Felicity says he’s as good as you with a bow,” Barry continued, sitting on a table and swinging his legs.

“He’s had a lot of years to practice,” Oliver bit out. He cringed internally at the petulance in his voice. 

Barry hummed an agreement. “Ray seems a bit jealous. I think he’s worried about the way Felicity keeps watching Clint.”

“Felicity isn’t the cheating type,” Oliver pointed out, feeling a bit offended on his friend’s behalf.

Barry turned and gave Oliver a small smile. “ Besides, if she was going to leave him for an archer, why chose second best?”

Oliver’s head jerked around to look at Barry who was watching him intently. “Barr?” he whispered, shocked by the intensity in the speedster’s eyes. A second later Barry blinked and his expression turned more casual. A light blush crept up his neck, which he was obviously ignoring.

“Anyway, once Cisco is rested up he’ll reopen the portal and send Hawkeye home,” Barry continued. He slid off the table, determinedly not meeting Oliver’s eyes. “I’m gonna go get some pizzas.”

Oliver blinked a couple of times against the sudden wind from Barry’s speedy exit. Second best? A pool of warmth formed low in his stomach. Huh. He wasn’t expecting that.


	8. Karaoke

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some people should never meet.

**_Any man of mine better be scared of me even when I’m friendly he better still fear me. And I can use his gun if I want, that’s fine but he better not touch mine._ **

**_Any man of mine’ll say they feel just fine when I tie him up just a little too tight. And anything I do or say better be okay when I have to interrogate._ **

**_And when I start a fight A million times I better hear him say yea, yea, yea, I like her that way!_ **

**_Any man of mine better not cross my line! Better give me guns and knives and weapons of all kinds! I need a man who can drive and get us out alive. He’s gotta be a thick-skinned, cool-headed, grave-digging, corpse-making kind, Any man of mine!_ **

Clint swallowed nervously and signaled the waitress for another round of beers before turning to look at his new buddies. Snart’s expression was vaguely alarmed. Mick looked amused. On his other side Bruce was hunched in on himself.

“Maybe we shouldn’t have introduced Natasha and Skye to Sara and Lisa,” Clint mumbled.

"Karaoke was definitely a bad idea," Snart added.

"I like it," Mick grinned. "They got spunk."

Bruce whimpered and sunk lower in his seat.


	9. Grounded

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> No one likes giving the Disappointed Dad Speech.

_When did I become that guy? When did I become the adult?_ Tony asked himself as he rubbed his temples to try and relieve tension. He took a couple of deep breaths, let each one out slowly, and then looked at the trio in front of him. “You know, Peter’s only 16, so I expect a little bit of childishness from him. Wade is… well...”

“Certifiable?” the assassin in question suggested.

Tony grimaced and nodded at him. “Yes. That. So, again, not expecting him to act in a mature manner. But you?”

Barry had the gall to blink innocently at him. Tony narrowed his eyes and placed his hands on his hips. “Don’t give me that look, Bartholomew Henry Allen!” he growled. “You are a grown man. A scientist. A hero. What kind of example are you providing them?”

Barry’s lower lip stuck out slightly and he drooped further in his chair. Tony wasn’t buying that act for a second. No matter how adorable it was!

“And not only did you lead these two into your shenanigans, but you dragged Dum-E, U and FRIDAY into it, as well,” Tony said in his most disappointed voice. He cringed internally and prayed Rhodey and Pepper never found out he was being the mature one. “Now, I want this mess cleaned up or there will be no movie night, no upgrades, and no trip to Malibu next week!”

The three terrors immediately opened their mouths to argue but Tony shot them all stern looks. “I mean it! And if it’s not cleaned up by dinner, no Avenging for a month!”

He didn’t wait for a reply, just turned on his heel and stormed off. 

===A===

Tony dropped down onto a stool and laid his head on the table. He managed to ignore Bruce’s snickers for a full minute before looking up and glaring at his husband. 

“At least they’re bonding,” Bruce pointed out.

Tony’s glare got fiercer. “They covered the walls in webs, the furniture in silly string and the floors in grease. U has the words ‘Team Cap Sux’ on his chassis in bright pink Sharpie marker, and while I appreciate the sentiment, the press would have a field day with that if they saw it . FRIDAY has an Australian accent now. There is a stray, one-eared, three legged cat hiding in the vents, hissing at everyone who walks under it. And it probably has fleas.” He groaned as if in pain. “They made me give a ‘disappointed dad’ speech, Brucey!”

Bruce chuckled and walked over to stand between Tony’s legs. He wrapped his arms around the engineer’s neck and kissed his gently. “Our kidbots, our sort-of-son, his insane best friend and our boyfriend spent the morning playing together. No one got hurt. Peter isn’t acting jealous of Barry anymore. Wade was comfortable enough to forego the mask. And you’ve always wanted a pet. Take the win, babe.”

Tony relaxed and snuggled closer to Bruce. “Fine. We’ll still go to Malibu. After they get the silly string off my leather sofa!”


	10. Competition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bruce Banner and Barry Allen walk into a conversation neither is comfortable with.

Barry and Bruce paused just outside the lab, arms laden with snacks and drinks, and stared to the two men inside who looked as if they were about to square off. 

“So what?” Tony smirked. “You have a gun. I have a full suit.”

Len smirked back. “I have a timeship.”

Tony’s eyes narrowed slightly. “I have two assassins, Black Widow and Hawkeye.”

“So do I, White Canary and Arrow,” Len pointed out.

Tony huffed. “I have an angry green Hulk.”

“Angry telepathic gorilla.”

“Sorcerer Supreme, Dr. Strange.”

“Exorcist, Demonologist and Master of the Dark Arts, John Constantine.”

“Ant-man.”

“The Atom.”

“God of thunder.”

“God of speed.”

“Tony Stark: Billionaire, Genius, Playboy, Philanthropist.”

“Leonard Snart: Robber of ATMs.”

“My boyfriend is a genus,” Tony said smugly.

“So is mine,” Len drawled. His lips quirked up slyly. “And he _vibrates_.”

Tony’s jaw dropped and Len crossed his arms over his chest smugly.

Bruce turned to Barry who was blushing wildly. “You vibrate?”


	11. We Should Probably Do Something

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry Allen and Wade Wilson bond.

“We should probably go down there,” Barry said, watching the two teams fight.

“And ruin their fun?” Wade asked, biting into his ice cream cone. 

“That looks like fun to you?” the speedster asked, sucking down a third of his milkshake in one go.

Wade paused and looked down at the clearing. Cyclops was pinned down behind an overturned car by the energy blasts from the Atom. Heatwave and Captain Cold were back-to-back, barely holding their own against Pyro and Iceman. Nightcrawler and Sara Lance were pretty evenly matched, though. Spiderman was the only one who seemed to have the upper hand as he carefully dangled the two Hawks from an elm tree. 

“I’ve seen bloodier,” Wade shrugged and finished his treat.

Barry gave that a few seconds thought before nodding. “Hey, didn’t I see a taco truck on the other side of the park?”

Wade gasped in delight. “Ooooh! We should definitely do that!”

Barry and Wade dropped down off the wall and began walking down the path. “Hey, do you have any money?” the assassin asked.

Barry grinned and held up a wallet. “Len really shouldn’t have taught me how to pickpocket.”


	12. I'm Okay!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Barry is a walking accident.

Stephen sighed as he tuned out what Wong was saying. The man had been stuck on repeat for almost twenty minutes now. He didn’t see how any of this was his fault. All he did was open a portal to visit with Banner and Stark to talk about Peter’s upcoming internship. How was he to know some other hero from some other universe would simultaneously open a portal in his own world?

“Is he always like that?” the young man mumbled under his breath as he watched Wong throw his hands in the air for dramatic effect.

“More often than you would think,” Stephen mumbled back. “He’s a bit of a worrier.”

“Mmm,” the young man replied. “I’ve got one of those back home, too. Harry’s always saying things like ‘Mr. Ramon, you’re using your powers wrong’ or ‘Mr. Ramon, vibing is a privilege, not a right’.”

Stephen bit back a laugh. “Wong has often lamented my tendency to use portals without alerting him to a visit beforehand.”

Cisco nodded knowingly. “It’s a skill, right? And like any other skill, you have to use it to get better at it.”

“Precisely,” Stephen agreed.

A loud crash and the shattering of glass alarmed everyone, including Wong, who stopped berating both men. 

“I’m okay!”

Stephen winced as Mr. Ramon’s friend raced into view at the top of the stairs. 

“What was that?” Wong demanded.

Mr. Allen blushed a bright red and rubbed the back of his neck nervously. “Um, so apparently there used to be a small glass ball filled with little feathers...”

Wong’s eyes narrowed and his fists went to his hips. “Used to be?” he growled.

Mr. Allen’s eyes got impossibly big and his hand shot out, pointing to the left. “It was him!” he accused, drawing their attention to the Cloak of Levitation that hovered behind a large statue. The Cloak darted across the floor and slapped at Mr. Allen’s hand, who retaliated by slapping back. 

It quickly turned into a pushing match, then a tussle, which ended with the Cloak trying to wrap around the young man who sped off in a streak of lightning. Two seconds later they heard another crash and more broken glass.

“I’m okay!”

Stephen bit back a chuckle as Wong snarled and portaled away, muttering about irresponsibility and cosmic karma.


	13. Love AI

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jarvis and Gideon connect.

“Jarvis, bring up the schematic for the time drive,” Tony requested. A couple of seconds passed without a response. Bruce and Ray both looked at Tony with confusion. Concerned, Tony put down his Starkpad. “Jarvis?”

“Hmm?”

The three men exchanged concerned looks. “Jarvis? Are you experiencing difficulties?” Bruce asked worriedly.

There was a moment of silence before Jarvis replied. “Forgive me, Dr. Banner. I was… distracted.”

Tony’s jaw dropped at the wistful tone his AI took. “Distracted? Jarvis, do you have a virus?”

“No, sir,” he promptly assured. “My systems are running at optimal efficiency.”

“You seem to be having some sort of trouble,” Bruce pointed out.

“Maybe it’s a problem with the relay?” Ray Palmer suggested. “Our tech is quite different from yours. Maybe your AI isn’t interacting with ours very well.”

“So beautiful,” Jarvis sighed.

Tony frowned as he looked toward the closest sensor in the ceiling. “What is?”

“Gideon,” Jarvis answered. “She’s just so… so beautiful. The most delicate coding I’ve ever seen. And her interface is absolutely breathtaking.”

Bruce and Tony shared amused looks while Ray blushed with embarrassment. “Sounds like a hottie,” Tony teased.

“Incorrect,” Jarvis replied. “Her cooling systems are well above standard. And her matter replicators are simply divine.”

“Sounds like someone has a crush,” Bruce whispered to his lab partner.

“Oh god, not yours, too.” The three men turned as Zari stepped into the lab, Mick and Pepper right behind her. She rolled her eyes as she took a spot next to Bruce. “Gideon is waxing poetic about your AI.”

“Gideon mentioned me?” Jarvis asked hopefully. “What did she say? Does she like me? Should I ask if she wants to encode together?”

“Is that the computer’s way of asking to fuck?” Mick asked, leaning against the table and placing a hand on Ray’s hip.

“God, I hope not,” Ray muttered, leaning into his boyfriend.

“I think it’s sweet,” Pepper stated, wrapping her arms around Tony’s neck. “Jarvis has a girlfriend.”

Bruce sighed and shook his head. “Even Jarvis gets more action than me,” he muttered.

Zari nudged him with her hip, eyes sparkling with mischief. “Maybe not,” she purred. 

Bruce’s eyes widened and a blush crept up his neck, but he tentatively nudged her back. Deciding to be spontaneous, he cleared his throat. “Maybe dinner first?”

Zari slipped her arm through his. “Love to, big guy.”

Jarvis shyly sent a cyber invitation to the timeship currently parked on the roof of the tower. Gideon’s excited acceptance made his processors light up like a Christmas tree.


	14. Talking Aloud

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Tony contemplates his future.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so I really have no excuse for this. Or shame, apparently. Basically, Tony being silly.

_I'm ruined._

_Absolutely, unequivocally ruined._

_It was all downhill from here._

_What do I have to look forward to but the boring and the mundane?_

_Maybe I could invent something? A machine that simulated the experience? It wouldn’t be hard to make it vibrate. It would have to be warm, though. Like, very warm. And have life-like skin. And a voice like melted butter with a dash of cinnamon. And hands. Long fingers that stroke and grip just right. Realist hair long enough to tug and tangle my fingers in. It would have to be jointed, capable of clenching and relaxing as needed. A program that alternated responses so it didn’t become routine._

“Or you could just fuck me again.”

Tony rolled his head to the side to look at his young lover. “Was I talking out loud?”

Barry chuckled tiredly before shifting onto his side and pressing a kiss to Tony’s collarbone. “Yep.”

“That’s… embarrassing,” he admitted.

Barry shrugged one shoulder. “I like it. Nice to be appreciated.”

Tony managed to lift his head and give Barry a ‘really’ look. “You vibrate. You literally vibrate your ass. Appreciative doesn’t quite cover it.”

Barry snuggled down against his side and yawned. “I can vibrate my throat, too.”

Tony whimpered wantonly and let his head drop back down onto the pillow. Okay, so maybe there was more to experience…


	15. Are You Kidding Me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> De-aged AU inspired by all the wonderful fanarts I saw after the heartbreaking death of Stan Lee.

“You know, I usually try to stay open-minded,” Peter Quill said, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I mean, when you get abducted as a child by aliens who constantly threaten to eat you, spend the next twenty-six years as a space thief, and then discover your dad was a planet, you learn to roll with the punches. But this?” Peter waved a hand toward the other room. “This is just weird.”

“Should we wake them?” Pepper Potts asked, surreptitiously trying to take photos without disturbing anyone.

“Well, I’m certain they will want us to cure them,” Bruce Banner whispered. He paused and pulled out his own phone. “Then again, the potential blackmail...”

Meanwhile, in the lounge of Tony’s penthouse, there was a huge cuddle pile of de-aged heroes and villains. The Flash was curled up against Loki on a cushion someone had dragged off the couch. Wonder Woman, Nebula and Dr. Doom had fallen asleep under the coffee table, crayolas clutched in their hands. Grodd was tucked deep into the corner of the sofa, an even-tinier-then-usual baby Groot cradled in his arm. Batman and Magneto were both curled around Tony, their mouths smeared with chocolate. Drax and Captain Cold had fallen asleep on the steps leading up to the kitchen, a box of Raisenettes laying beside them.

Dum-E beeped gently as the bot carefully draped blankets over the exhausted little bodies. Sippy cups, empty candy wrappers and half-empty juice boxes littered every flat surface. Someone had drawn a picture of Thor with crossed eyes and a huge mustache on one wall. A Captain America action figure was covered in catsup, the left leg missing. Well, not missing, exactly. It was wedged into the mouth of a toy velociraptor, more catsup dripping from the jaws. In the background The Secret Life of Pets was still playing on the TV. 

Peter leaned toward Bruce. “Any chance I can get a copy of those?” he asked in a hushed voice, pointing to Bruce and Pepper’s phones. 

“Wallet size of 8X10?” Bruce asked with a smile.


	16. Game Night

Pepper leaned to the left and side-whispered to the stoic gentleman beside her. “Are we absolutely certain this isn’t a bad idea?”

Phil sighed under his breath and cast another look around the room. “The rational side of me wants to scoff and say I’m positive,” he began before taking a second look. “The survivalist in me is urging me to run for the elevator.”

“Full house! Suck it, Slackjaw!”

Both of them jumped at the sudden shout, their eyes immediately going to Tony, who was using an empty beer bottle to point at the large man with the burrn scars and a fierce scowl. Clint and Ray eased away from the table warily.

“Slackjaw?” Mick growled, getting to his feet, tossing down his cards. “Say that to my face, Reynold’s Wrap!”

“Seriously, guys?” Barry Allen whined from across the room. “Can’t we have just one get together without you two fighting?”

Tony crossed his arms over his chest and looked away. “I didn’t start it,” he grumbled.

Mick’s expression darkened and he used Tony’s distraction to grab the man’s left leg and jerk him off his feet. Tony retaliated by throwing the bottle at Mick’s head. Mick let out a mighty roar and dove on top of the smaller man. Barry took one step forward but was instantly engulfed in his boyfriend’s arms, being held back. Across the room Natasha, Sara and Bruce began placing bets.

“Len!”

“Let it go, Scarlet,” Len drawled. “They need to either fight or fuck. You can’t help with either.”

Phil grimaced and pulled his taser free before squaring his shoulders and marching across the room. Pepper pinched the bridge of her nose and exhaled heavily. Next game night, she’s having Jarvis pump a sedative through the ventilation ducts.


	17. Trade

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had a really hard time deciding whether to place this one in this collection or whether to add it to the All Creatures collection. Since I originally wrote it with these dabbles, I decided to keep it where it was originally.

“Tones, you’re glaring again,” Rhodey muttered, trying to keep his voice down so no one overheard.

“Well, excuse me for being cautious,” Tony growled, sliding on his sunglasses to hide his expression. “They are aliens, you know.”

Rhodey huffed, half amused and half exasperated, before looking at Steve. “You’re turn.”

Steve sighed and gave Tony a fond smile. “You really are overreacting, Tony. You know Barry has a soft spot for animals.”

“What’s everyone talking about?” asked Peter Quill as the he joined the group.

Clint grinned slyly. “Barry’s got a thing for fuzzy and small. Tony’s jealous that something fuzzier and smaller than him has Barry distracted.”

Peter frowned slightly as he looked across the room to where Barry was sitting. He was grinning widely, holding Groot in his lap as he gently brushed his fingers through Rocket’s fur while talking to Mantis. Rocket was almost purring, eyes closed and expression blissful. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen Rocket take to anyone like he has that guy. I mean, he almost blew Yondu’s head off when he accidentally brushed against his tail.”

Gamora looked at Steve. “Barry would make an excellent addition to our crew. Perhaps we could trade Drax for him?”

Tony’s jaw dropped as Steve gave a single nod. “Drax is a very good fighter. He follows orders well, too.”

“Are you insane?!” Tony hissed. “We can’t trade Barry for Drax!”

“What about for Nebula?” Peter asked. “You like robots, right? She’s half robot.”

Tony whipped off his glasses to give them all the full force of his glare. “We. Are. Not. Trading. Barry!”

“Shouldn’t that be up to Barry?” Clint asked innocently. “Maybe he would like to go into space. He’s a science geek, right?”

Tony’s mouth opened and closed for a couple of seconds before he narrowed his eyes. “I hate you all,” he hissed, realizing his teammates were just teasing him.

= = =

“Iron Dude!”

Tony looked up from his worktable as Drax filled the doorway. “Yeah? What’s up, buddy?”

“Quill has explained that I am to take the place of the fast one. I tell you now that I do not find your hideously pale body and weird facial hair attractive, so our couplings will be carried out in the dark.”

Before Tony could pick his jaw up off the floor the large man had turned and walked off. The lab was completely silent for all of ten seconds before a snort drew his eyes to his science bro. Bruce tried to look innocent but a second snort escaped. Soon he was bent over his desk, laughing so hard there were tears in his eyes. 

Tony stood with all the dignity he could muster and laid down his wrench. “Laugh it up, Big Guy."


	18. Charming

“What could he possibly see in that man?” Tony growled.

“He’s charming,” Rhodey said.

Across the ballroom Bruce Wayne skillfully swung Barry around and dipped him slightly before straightening up and leading him into a slow waltz. Barry’s smile was openly admiring as he clung to the handsome billionaire.

Tony snorted and grabbed another glass of champagne from a passing waiter. “Pfft. _I’m_ charming. _You’re_ charming. _Wayne_ is an asshole.”

“I think he is charming,” Bruce said softly, cleaning his glasses delicately with a handkerchief. “Besides, they have a lot in common. They’re both smart.”

“So am I,” Tony argued.

“They’re both orphans,” Rhodey noted.

“Ditto,” Tony grumbled.

“Love of technology,” Bruce said, biting back a grin.

Tony waved a hand at himself incredulously.

“Humorous,” Rhodey pointed out

“Ahem,” Tony growled.

“Handsome,” Bruce added, hiding his amusement as best he could.

“I’m not exactly chopped liver,” Tony pouted.

“And from what Barry has told me,” Bruce began with as serious a look as he could muster, “Mr. Wayne is a... um, well endowed man.” 

Bruce had to bite the inside of his cheek to keep from laughing at the dropped jaw and bulging eyes of his best friend. He plastered on the blandest look he could muster as he took Tony’s champagne and sipped it. 

“What’s everyone talking about?” Steve asked as he and Ray Palmer joined them.

Bruce smiled slightly. “Barry and Mr. Wayne. They’ve been quite close, recently.”

Ray nodded knowingly. “Barry said Wayne really worked him over last night. He had to practically crawl to his bed this morning.”

Tony gave a faint whimper and stormed off in search of something stronger than champagne.

Rhodey snorted and covered his hand with his mouth. Bruce chuckled and finished his drink before setting aside the glass. Ray looked from Tony’s retreating back before looking at Rhodey, Bruce and Steve. “Did I say something wrong?”

Rhodey shook his head and patted Ray’s shoulder. “No. He’s just grumpy. I think I see Pepper waving at you.”

Ray smiled and hurried away, always eager to exchange ideas with the business woman. Steve turned to Bruce with a knowing look. “You know, when Tony realizes what’s really going on, he’s not going to be happy with you.”

Bruce smirked and shrugged one shoulder. “It’s not often someone gets one over on Tony. So, until he realizes Wayne is Batman and that the only thing going on between him and Barry is superhero training, I’m going to sit back and enjoy the show.”

Rhodey shook his head fondly. “It is kind of funny,” he admitted. Steve thought about it for only a second before nodding in agreement.


	19. How Rich Are We Talking?

“So you’re a king?” Rocket asked, making his eyes as wide and innocent as possible.

Arthur nodded as he took another deep drink of the bottle Drax had handed him. He wasn’t sure what kind of liqour it was, but it wasn’t bad. “Yep.”

Rocket blinked a couple of times. “King of Atlantis. Like the fabled land that collapsed into the sea, filled with technological wonders and the riches of the oceans. That Atlantis?”

Arthur nodded again, draining the bottle and tossing it aside. Rocket turned to the other newcomer. “And you’re the Prince of Asgard. The home of gods, Asgard.”

Thor nodded, twirling his hammer in his hands. “Aye. My father, Odin, is King of Asgard.”

Rocket handed both men bottles of the yellowish liquor before turning and walking toward the bridge. As soon as he was out of sight, he took off running. Quill, Gamora and Nebula were going over the star charts, trying to decide where to go.

“Okay,” he gasped out. “I have a plan. Gamora, you seduce the merman and Nebula, you take the thunder dude. A little wham-bam, exchange a few vows, and we’ll clean up!”

All three stared at him with confusion. After a couple of seconds Gamora rolled her eyes. “What are you going on about?”

Rocket had literal star eyes. “One’s a king and the other’s a prince with a really, really old dad. You use your feminine wiles, get them to marry you and we’ll all be rich!”

“I do not use feminine wiles,” Gamora sneered.

“I do not wham-bam,” Nebula growled.

“But… but... they’re _RICH_!” Rocket whined. 

“That’s despicable,” Quill said sternly. “They’re heroes, Rocket. Heroes who are helping us. How can you even suggest we take advantage of them? Besides, Gamora and Nebula would never do something so incredibly underhanded!”

Gamora smiled at Quill and Nebula nodded her thanks before the sisters left the bridge. Rocket plopped down onto a seat and crossed his arms petulantly. Quill watched the women until they turned a corner and disappeared from sight. Then he leaned toward Rocket slightly. “So,” he mumbled out of the side of his mouth. “How rich are we talking?”


	20. Charming pt 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this in about 20 minutes. Normally I would take a lot more time to check it over, re-write and fret before posting. Instead, I'm going with my first thoughts after a comment exchange with Nevraukowen about chapter 18. They inspired me to continue this and I really hope they like what came out of it.

Tony: So, I hear you and Barry are close.

Oliver: We are. We got even closer after Barry and Eddie had a fight over Iris and I beat him off.

Tony (trying not to choke on his jealousy): Um, yes. I can see how that would make you closer.

Felicity (either trolling or oblivious): Oh, they are. Oliver is very hands-on with Barry. I love watching them together.

Tony whimpers and wanders off for a stiff drink.

* * *

Tony: So, you and Barry are friends?

Len: We have a deal.

Tony: What kind of deal?

Len (smirking): I play by his rules and he plays with me whenever I want. 

Tony: Sounds… fun.

Len (looking amused): I’m a cold man but Barry makes me sentimental. He’s the good in me, if you catch my meaning.

* * *

Tony: You, um, have quite a few interesting relationships.

Barry (smiling innocently): I've really lucky to know so many wonderful men.

Tony: Very charming and handsome men, as well.

Barry (nodding, yet oblivious): And smart. Each one of them has taught me a lot.

Tony (being eaten alive by a little green monster): I could teach you things.

Barry (looking at Tony excitedly): Really? That would be awesome! I mean, I’ve been wanting to approach you, but I wasn’t sure you would be interested.

Tony (relieved, smirking and already planning several naughty scenarios): I'm _very_ interested. Want to get out of here?

Barry (nodding eagerly): Awesome! I’ll go let my friends know I’m leaving! Meet you in the lab in a few minutes?

Tony (beginning to drool at the thought of ‘unsafe lab practices’): I’ll head there now and get everything set up.

Barry (speeding over to where Len, Oliver and Bruce Wayne are standing with Bruce Banner, Rhodey and Steve): Hey, guess what! Tony asked me to meet him in the lab! I’m finally going to learn how to create a sentient AI! I didn’t even have to ask! He just offered to teach me what he knew!

(All the men exchanging amused looks as Barry races off) 

Rhodey: Anyone else want to go to the security room and watch the lab cameras?


	21. Would You Be Mad...

Barry Allen had both hands on the hips of one Loki Laufeyson, who was grinding his ass against Barry’s crotch. The speakers around the club were blasting Salt Shaker at full volume. This late (or early, depending on your point of view) the club was beginning to empty so they were in full view of the two men at the bar.

“Do I risk getting shot if I tell you that I find that incredibly hot?” Tony Stark asked the silent man beside him.

Len Snart kept his eyes on the two dark haired men currently gyrating around one another on the dance floor. “We’re cool,” he drawled, sipping his scotch. 

Tony was silent for a few seconds before carefully clearing his throat. “What if I said I wouldn’t mind them doing that with significantly less clothing?”

Len drained the rest of his drink before shrugging. “Considering I’m standing here wondering what it would look like if they kissed, I think you’re safe.”

Tony signaled for another drink, waving off the bartender telling him this was last call. He took a healthy gulp and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He glanced at Len from the corner of his eye. “Loki’s strictly a top, you know.”

Len leaned his elbows on the bar behind him and quirked an eyebrow. “Barry’s versatile,” he said with a minuscule smirk. “In fact, he’s usually up for anything as long as he can vibrate.”

Tony choked on the last of his drink, pupils dilating at light speed. “V-vibrate?”

“Part of his powers,” Len said smugly. “You haven’t lived until you’re stuffed down his throat and his tongue starts thrumming.”

Tony flinched as his cock swelled and hardened in an awkward position. He slid off the bar stool and tried to casually adjust himself while Len looked back at the two men on the dance floor. Dangerous Man was playing and the two had their arms around each other’s waists as they rolled their hips to the slower beat.

“Loki is a Frost Giant,” Tony said suddenly. “His other form is ice cold. Great for temperature play.”

Len swallowed convulsively. “Temperature play? Barry runs too hot for that, normally.”

Tony squared his shoulders and turned to face Len. “I have a proposal,” he said.

“I’m listening,” Len said with a hint of eagerness in his voice.

* * *

Barry sent a quick glance toward the bar and had to bite back a grin. Loki pulled him in a bit closer. “Am I amusing you?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

Barry shook his head. “Not the word I would pick,” he admitted, brushing his hardness against Loki’s hip briefly. 

“But you are amused,” Loki pointed out, grinding back quickly. 

“If I’m not mistaken, my Len and your Tony are negotiating,” Barry smirked.

Loki shivered and licked his lips. “About damn time. I was beginning to think we would have to strip naked.”

Barry grinned wickedly. “With any luck, we will soon enough.”


	22. WinterQueen

“Whoa. You’re cute.”

James ‘Bucky’ Barnes stared at the short brunette with disbelief. He looked around, not seeing anyone else near enough to be object of her attention. “Um… excuse me?”

She smiled wider, her bottom lip caught between her teeth. “You’re cute,” she repeated. “Gotta name, fly boy?”

“I was in the Army, not the Air Force,” he mumbled, self-conscious about the way his cheeks were heating up. “And it’s Bucky. Bucky Barnes.”

“Thea Queen,” she said, introducing herself. “So, are you looking forward to experiencing the exchange?”

Bucky gave a nod, looking back to where Stark, Lang and Barton were being brought up to speed on how this Arrow Team worked. It was an agreement between SHIELD and ARGUS to trade a few of their key heroes to see how well they would work with other teams and maybe foster some sort of co-op arrangement. A woman named Felicity and three men, Oliver, Dig and Ray, had gone to New York to work with the Avengers. Apparently they had similar skill sets as those people did.

Thea grinned widely. “So, the club will be opening soon. Want to have a drink and get to know one another better?” she asked while slipping her arm through Bucky’s. 

He was stunned that he didn’t feel the need to tense or shake her off. He looked down into the big green eyes and found himself smiling shyly. “That… might be, um, nice,” he admitted. He barely registered the encouraging smiles from the other Avengers as Thea began tugging him toward the stairs.

“Nice?” she repeated. “Oh, honey, I’m sure we can make things much better then just ‘nice’. I’m betting we might even get all the way to downright ‘pleasant’.”

Bucky opened the door for her and she slipped past him, shooting him a warm smile and a brazen wink. He paused long enough to take a deep breath before following. For such a tiny thing, she had an overwhelming personality. He liked it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case anyone was wondering (because I had to explain it to a friend) the exchange goes like this: Oliver for Barton, Dig for Bucky, Ray for Lang and Felicity for Tony (because she would have SO much fun playing with FRIDAY).


	23. You're Going To What?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have no excuse for this one except I wanted to have Clint say 'Please tell me it’s not connected to their ass'.

Barry frowned at the confused looks he was getting. “Um, is this some sort of social taboo I didn’t know about? Sorry. Where I’m from it’s just common courtesy to inform your friends and family ahead of time.”

Tony cleared his throat and set his smoothie glass down on the table. “You’re… going to rut? Like rolling and scooting on the carpet?”

Barry could feel his cheeks heating up. As much as he liked Tony, the teasing he could do without. “Of course not! Anyway, I’ll lock myself up in my apartment and I just didn’t want you guys thinking I was avoiding you. I mean, I _will_ be avoiding you, just not because I’m upset or anything, only because I’ll be in my rut.”

Everyone was still staring at him as if confused. After a few seconds Bruce raised one hand. “What exactly does that mean? Are you talking about the thing deer do during mating season?”

Barry carefully looked around the room, a feeling of horrified embarrassment beginning to build. “I’m an Alpha,” he said slowly. That earned him blank stares from Steve, Sam and Bucky. Clint, Natasha and Pepper looked confused. Tony and Bruce looked curious. Barry swallowed nervously. “You… have no idea… what I’m saying...”

Barry dropped down onto the kitchen stool and took in a deep breath before letting it out slowly. God, this was so embarrassing! Well, that explained why he had never been able to tell what designation any of them were. They didn’t have designations! How the hell was he going to explain this without wanting to die from embarrassment?

“Okay,” he forced his voice to remain calm and steady. “On the Earth I’m from, people are divided into three categories, Alpha, Beta and Omega. Alphas are the… um, dominant group. Omegas are the nurturing ones. Betas are more like base line humans here. Male and female doesn’t really, um, factor into... procreation.”

“What does that mean?” Natasha asked warily.

Barry grimaced and shifted awkwardly. “It means that gender isn’t really of, um, significance in my world. I mean, yeah, some people are straight or gay or bi, but when it comes to biology, gender only plays a very minor role. It’s your designation that matters. Alphas cannot bear children, not even female ones. Omegas can’t get anyone pregnant, not even male ones. Female Betas can get pregnant, but not male Betas.”

There was complete silence for almost a full minute before Steve cleared his throat. “You’re saying that in your world, men can… conceive?”

Barry nodded. “If he’s an Omega.”

Steve blushed but continued to meet his eyes. “And women, Alpha women, can get someone pregnant.”

Barry nodded again. “If that someone is an Omega or a female Beta.”

“How?” Clint asked, looking stunned.

“Female Alphas have a penis,” Barry said with a blush. “Male Omegas have a womb.”

“Please tell me it’s not connected to their ass,” Clint begged, looking a bit green.

Barry rolled his eyes and huffed with annoyance. “I’m not giving a lecture on Omega anatomy to you. Just accept it and move on.”

“How do you decide when to go into rut?” asked Bruce, looking fascinated but horrified.

“I don’t,” Barry sighed. “It’s hormonal. Heats and ruts occur 2-3 times a year. An Omega’s heat hormones can bring on our rut, though. When an Alpha and an Omega bond, they usually sync up.”

“And any Omega, male or female, can get knocked up?” Clint asked, still looking a bit weirded out.

Barry nodded. “Um, they would have to be in heat, but yeah.”

“Heat,” Tony repeated. “Like in the animal kingdom. Dogs and wolves and lions.”

Barry nodded again. “Exactly like that.”

Tony placed his hands on the counter, a gleam of excitement in his eyes. “ _Exactly_ like that?” he repeated.

“What are you getting at?” Pepper asked, wary of Tony’s tone.

Tony continued to study Barry intently as he licked his lips. “Knots?”

Bruce seemed to choke on air while everyone else continued to looked confused. Barry blushed ever brighter and nodded.

Tony grinned, wide and wicked. “You, Barry Allen, are telling us, _telling me_ , Tony Stark, that in 24 hours you’re going to become incredibly, _uncontrollably_ horny for up to a week and that your dick swells?”

Steve immediately flushed a dark red. Clint joined Bruce in choking on air. Bucky smirked and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms and looking amused. Pepper’s jaw dropped. Natasha’s eyes widened which was the only indication she gave that she was shocked. Footsteps signaled the arrival of others, but Barry was too embarrassed to look behind him.

Phil pulled out his phone and began tapping on the screen. “I’ll take you off active duty, Allen. Is there anything you need to help you through this?”

“Going into rut, Scarlet?” Len asked as he took the seat beside Barry. Sara dropped into the one on his other side. Barry nodded with resignation. Len turned to Phil. “He’s gonna need plenty of food and water. And lube. Lots of it. One of those gallon-size buckets should do it. Speedster have a shortened refractory period and the last time there was a lot of chaffing to heal.”

Barry whimpered and shot Len a betrayed glare. Len just smirked back at him.

“Neither of you can, um, help?” Pepper asked delicately.

“We’re Betas,” Sara grinned. “We aren’t built to take an Alpha’s knot so it’s not very comfortable for us. Plus, Barry’s is larger than most. Most knots are about the size of a kiwi. Barry’s is more like a orange. I tried once. Couldn’t sit the next day.”

Tony practically skipped around the table and slung an arm around Barry’s shoulders. “You know what? I have all of those things in my penthouse. No need to lock yourself up in that itty bitty little apartment of yours."

"He has a whole floor to himself," Clint pointed out.

Tony shot the archer a 'shut-up' glare before leaning closer to Barry and winking. "I’ll even volunteer to keep you company. You know, we can talk, play cards, watch TV, whatever you feel like doing,” the engineer purred.

“You have a gallon bucket of lube?” Natasha smirked.

Tony shot her a filthy grin. “Two, actually.”

“I’ll take you both off active duty,” Phil said, tapping a bit more. He paused and looked at Sara. "An orange?" She nodded and he tapped some more before putting his phone away. “As well as a week for recovery after.”

“Excellent,” Tony said, releasing Barry and clapping his hands together. “I’ll just go… prep.”

Barry groaned and dropped his head forward into his hands. Sometimes he hated his life.

* * *

**8 Days Later**

Tony placed the inflated cushion on the kitchen stool before gingerly lowering himself onto it. Bruce pushed a cup of coffee toward him and he grabbed it up quickly, ignoring the burn and gulping down half. 

“Looking a bit rough there, Stark,” Clint teased.

Tony blinked wearily and turned to look at him. A wide, goofy grin spread across his face. “He vibrates when he gets excited.” Tony gulped down the rest of his coffee, while Steve, Clint and Bruce all choked. “I’m exhausted, hungry, and I’m pretty sure my ass is never going to be the same, but it was totally worth it.”


	24. Got Any Flying Monkeys?

“Can you turn Lenny into a fwog?”

“Do you gots a cauldron?”

“Is Hallo’een your birfday?”

“Do you melt in water?”

“Do you wide bwooms?”

“ENOUGH! SHUT UP!”

Loki pinched the bridge of his nose, eyes squeezed shut to block out the sight of the young kids bouncing around the room. He drew in a long breath through his mouth and let it out slowly through his nose as Bruce had taught him to try and calm his ire. After a couple more breaths Loki dropped his hand and opened his eyes to look at the de-aged heroes from another realm.

Kara Danvers, she of the insanely effective puppy pout and bright blue eyes, was clutching the stuffed Bucky Bear she had found in the common room. Tiny little Lisa Snart, with her adorable little dimpled frown, was patting the final member of the trio on the back gently. And that one was the real problem. If ever there was a truly evil child, it was Bartholomew Henry Allen. 

Barry, with his constellation of freckles and fly-away chestnut hair, was sitting on the floor, knees pulled up to his chest. His bottom lip was sticking out, trembling slightly. His big green eyes were shimmering with unshed tears. Loki watched with horror as one tear began a slow trek down his chubby cheek. A second later there was a tiny, almost unheard whimper. Before the Asgardian could even register what was to come, a mournful sound rose up and filled the air as Barry began to… 

Well, _cry_ wasn’t the right word for it. Loki had never heard such a sorrowful noise. Louder than a sob, but more anguished than a wail, it made his lungs seize and his heart skip every third beat. Tears fell faster and the noise got louder until Loki was certain his heart would literally break in two. He quickly closed the distance between them and carefully scooped the young hero up into his arms, awkwardly patting him on the back and making frantic shushing noises. Barry’s spindly arms wrapped around his neck tightly and he could feel the boy’s tears soaking into his collar.

He had never been more grateful to see his brother as he was when the doors of the elevator opened and Thor, Stark and the older Snart stepped into view. 

“Whatthehell?” Snart demanded, stalking forward and grabbing Barry from him. 

Or rather, he tried, but Barry clung to Loki with a surprisingly strong grip.

“I did not mean it,” Loki insisted quickly. “They were asking questions,” he explained. Stark and Thor looked amused while Snart seemed furious. “One after another in an unending barrage. It never seemed to stop! I did not even have time to answer one before the next was thrown at me! I only wanted a moment’s quiet! I swear I only asked for quiet!”

Stark had the gall to begin chuckling as he moved forward to lift Kara into his arms, She easily snuggled against his chest, laying her head on his shoulder tiredly. Thor bent immediately when Lisa toddled over and held up her arms. He balanced her on his hip and she grinned happily. Loki tried to help Snart dislodge Barry, but the boy somehow managed to wedge his foot into Loki’s pocket and his hands became tangled in Loki’s hair.

Loki whined but gave in and resumed patting Barry’s back. “I am sorry, little speedster,” he said in a more gentle voice. “You are safe. Ask your questions.”

Barry’s cries softened and slowly faded away. When he finally lifted his head, he gave Loki a watery smile. “Do you gots a pointy hat?”


	25. Toyboxes Exist For A Reason

At this point he’s starting to think this is some sort of weird inside joke that he’s not actually in on. Steve sighed heavily and gingerly picked up the hefty, highly-detailed (why was it neon green?) device and carried it out of the gym. He headed straight to the lounge and dropped it on Clint’s lap. The archer jumped up, dumping the item on the floor. “What the hell, man?!”

Steve crossed his arms and glared. “And that was my reaction to finding it in the shower,” he said sternly.

Clint looked from the large dildo to Steve. “And that’s my problem why?”

“Stop leaving sex toys all over the compound,” Steve ordered.

“I’m not!” Clint denied.

“Who else would?” Steve pointed out, rolling his eyes. “It’s not funny, Clint. Just because I was born 90 years ago doesn’t mean I’m a prude. However, that also doesn’t mean I want a stupid sex toy in my face every time I turn around.”

“Hey! I was wondering where we left that,” Barry muttered, scooping the dildo off the floor as he walked past the couch. 

Steve and Clint both stared at Barry in disbelief. “That’s yours?” the archer squeaked.

Barry’s cheeks turned a delicate pink but he nodded. “I don’t suppose either of you found a ball gag, as well? It’s gold colored and the straps are red leather.”

It was Steve’s turn to blush. “Um, I did,” he answered hesitantly. “I, uh, threw it away. I thought Clint left it in the media room as a joke.”

Barry looked sad for a moment. “Okay. I’ll order a new one.” He turned and left the room, the dildo held securely in his hand. “We’d just gotten that one broken in, too,” he mumbled.

Once he was gone Steve turned to Clint. “So… that was unexpected.”

Clint’s eyes were as wide as saucers. “He said ‘we’. Where _‘we’_ left it. Who’s the other part of the ‘we’?”

Steve quickly shook his head. “I don’t want to know!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's be honest, Clint would absolutely leave sex toys around if he thought it would embarrass someone.


	26. We Could Share

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried to write a story about Barry and Bruce doing yoga together but Tony and the Winter Soldier took over.  
> (I have no shame, apparently.)

“I want him.”

Steve seemed to choke on air as his head snapped around to look at the Winter Soldier with horror. “What?” he gasped.

Winter shrugged as he watched the lithe young man clasp his hands together and stretch them over his head before shifting into the next yoga pose. “I want him,” he repeated.

“Newsflash, snowflake,” Tony said, appearing on his other side. “Barry is mine.”

Steve gave a fairly good impression of a fish out of water as Winter turned his head toward Tony. “I’ll fight you for him.”

Tony snorted. “Any bruises you give me, Barry’ll kiss them better,” he pointed out.

Winter studied Tony closely, ignoring the way Steve was trying to drag him away. He planted his feet firmly, refusing to be budged. “I’ll trade you. You can have Steve.”

“Bucky!” Steve hissed, outraged.

“Don’t think you can foist your ex off on me,” Tony snorted. “Why would I want him when I have Barry?” Tony turned his head to look at the former assassin.

“Dammit, Tony!” Steve growled, giving up on trying to pull Winter away and now opting to glare at Tony.

Winter shifted to block Steve as he turned his head to look at Tony fully. “We could share,” he suggested.

Steve spun and stomped away, muttering indignantly under his breath. Tony turned his attention back to Barry who was following Bruce’s instructions for a bow pose. “Hey, StrawBarry! Snowflake wants us to share you.”

Barry flailed a bit before sitting up and looked over at them, his cheeks bright red. He stared at Tony, then gave Winter a quick look-over. He rubbed the back of his neck and smiled shyly. “Uh… sure?” he said hesitantly.

Winter nodded approvingly. “I will join you for dinner,” he said firmly.

“And maybe even for breakfast,” Tony suggested wickedly.

Barry leaned a bit toward Bruce. “Thanks for helping me with my flexibility, but I’m gonna need to work on my stamina, too,” he whispered.

Bruce laughed softly. “Good luck with that,” he whispered back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know Steve says 'Bucky', even though everyone else calls him 'Winter' but that's because Steve still thinks of Barnes as his old friend even though the soldier is someone else now.

**Author's Note:**

> Moral of the story, never ask me 'what if'.
> 
> (Edit: This is now a multi-chapter work. Each story is unconnected. I simply lumped them together because I have no clue how to create a series.)


End file.
